i have terrible anxiety about the things that were ingrained into my head for the first 20 years of my life. i don’t know if you’ll have any advice- i hope you do but even if you don’t, i think i just need to tell someone. i grew up very conservative in a small town and i was extremely narrow minded, arrogant. my parents are staunch southern baptist and i was too, and we lived very dogmatically. i have now grown and learned so much once i had a terrible experience and left that town forever.
now i feel that i have grown hugely as a person through my new experiences and i am proud of who i’m becoming, but there is a demon on my shoulder. my childhood, my teenage years and the beginning of my young adult life. it was drilled into me so hard. i know now to never make assumptions, that it is more loving to see all people as an individual and not stereotype. but i can never get some thoughts out of my head.
just for example, if i see a pregnant black woman, i assume she is on welfare before i realize what i’m thinking. i always manage to realize what i’m doing wrong and snap out of it, but i hate myself for even trying. it is so hard for me not to use a word like ‘normal’ instead of ‘cis-gendered’ because i think it’s still burned into my head that trans* is not ‘normal.’ on the outside, i know how i really feel, but i feel like such an awful, disgusting person.
i’m too ashamed to ask anyone for help because i know they will think i’m a bad ally, they will think i’m racist or they’ll think i’m homophobic and transphobic. the fact is that i used to be all of those things. i am not like that anymore. but how do you stop those thoughts? i lay awake at night and cry over my past, missing my family but knowing i can never go back to them. the fact that i miss them makes me feel guilty too. they’re terrible people. i think that’s all i had to say. thank you..
Oh anon, you are not a bad person at all. I understand so much of what you just said. I grew up in the south too, and I was actually raised Southern Baptist for the first several years of my life. There was a time in my life where I was staunchly anti-choice and homophobic and deeply opposed to things like premarital sex and “non-conventional” relationships. All of that has changed. Some things were easier for me to move past than others, though. I think part of that is because some of the messages were more deeply ingrained and pushed into my head.
I have my own confession: I still have a bit of a knee-jerk reaction to discussions about sex and sexuality. I consider myself a very sex positive person. I support sex education, contraception, enthusiastic consent, and the freedom to explore one’s sexuality. But I still have a very hard time shutting off the voice in the back of my head that has always told me “sex is bad, sex is wrong, sex is gross, your body is wrong, you should be so ashamed.” I am continuing to work through the messages I received and trying to dismantle them. That is what has helped eliminate some of the thoughts.
You have got to stop telling yourself you are a bad person, because you simply aren’t. You are a good person. You want to be loving and accepting. You want to be a different person than the one your were raised to be. You are a good person who was taught very bad things. And it is difficult to remove yourself from that tangle. But it sounds like you have already done a lot of hard work, love. You have come a long way, and I don’t have any doubts that you will continue to grow and deepen your understanding of other people and yourself.
Missing your family is not wrong. Regardless of the things they believe or hateful messages they still endorse, they are still at the end of the day your family. It is understandable that you miss them. And it doesn’t make you a bad person. You love them—there is nothing wrong with that.
Continue to challenge the thoughts and beliefs you grew up with. Continue to read other people’s stories and expose yourself to other perspectives and ways of life. Continue push yourself outside of your comfort zone. You may still have some growing to do, but that’s okay. I think we all have room to grow. And you sound like someone who truly wants to learn more and move forward. I think you will get there.
Remember to have compassion for yourself, too. It is not easy to leave everything you knew behind. It is not easy to walk away from everyone you have known and loved and to try to completely recreate your life. You have made some very hard decisions for yourself and you have gone through a lot of changes. You need to love yourself. You need to recognize everything you have been through and everything you are working to overcome. You are trying to be a more loving, open, accepting, and compassionate person. Make sure all of that extends to yourself.
If you want to talk further, I am here. If you want to come off anon, we can talk privately too. <3
Sending love your way.
