Anonymous asked:
I’m sending this anonymously because I don’t want any backlash, but I’m incredibly lost. I’ll be the first to admit that I know next to nothing about the trans* community. I speak up when people I know use hurtful terminology, or make hurtful statements, but I don’t know much. I don’t understand a lot of it. I really do want to know.
A friend of mine is currently going through a lot of gender identity problems and is turning to me for help and I don’t know what to do. But I’m terrified to ask, for reasons like the backlash you received from your ‘die cis scum’ post and encountering trans* folk on tumblr who invite questions and then verbally abuse those who don’t ask them in the right way. I acknowledge my privilege, and I’m not saying that I expect trans* folk to educate me and relieve me of my ignorance. What I’m saying is that I am scared because I don’t understand, and I don’t want to get attacked because I’ve never had to.
I want to help my friend through this rough period of their life, and reach out to people who will understand what they’re going through and tell me how to help them, but I’m absolutely terrified of the community because I’m not like them. Not because they’re not like me, but because I’m not like them and I can’t ever understand fully and because of that I will get hated and attacked. I just… I don’t know what to do.
Given what has happened over the past few days, I definitely understand your hesitation to reach out for help. I am glad you messaged me, though. And I would love to help in any way I can.
I will say that the very best thing you can do for your friend is support her. Let her know that this is a learning process for you too—that you are willing to learn and you want to be there for her in any way you can. Be willing to listen to her. Be a sounding board for her thoughts as she starts exploring different aspects of her gender identity. You don’t have to know the perfect thing to say. You don’t have to have some sort of magical advice. Just continue to be the patient, kind, loving friend you already are. Your support and acceptance are what matter most—not whether or not you are able to put together the most eloquent response.
Acceptance means doing your best to understand where you friend is coming from and loving her as she is where she is each moment. It means asking questions when you aren’t sure of how to best help or support her. And it means reminding her that you think she is fantastic no matter what.
A few things to keep in mind…
If your friend decides at some point that she wants to use different pronouns (ex: gender neutral pronouns like ze/hir, singular they pronouns like they/them or male pronouns like he/him), do your very best to adopt those pronouns every time you refer to her. You will probably have moments where you mess up and use the wrong pronoun, but just correct yourself and continue with what you were saying. People have different preferred reactions, but (in my experience), it is generally okay to correct yourself and move on without turning the slip into a big deal. It is okay to have open conversations with her about what she needs from you, whether or not she wants you to refer to her with different pronouns in public vs. private spaces, how she wants you to react if other people mis-gender her, etc.
Be careful not to “out” your friend without her permission. If she does not give you permission to talk about her gender identity, don’t do it. Some people prefer to live very openly about their trans* or genderqueer identity and will let you know that it is okay to mention to other people that they are trans*. Other people prefer to keep that information close and private and would be upset if you shared it with someone they do not feel safe with. Keep that in mind and always respect your friend’s preferences and privacy.
While your friend is going through this process of figuring out her identity, she may go through several different stages. Sometimes what she needs from you one week will be the exact opposite of what she needed the week before. Remember to stay flexible and open-minded. This process may be difficult for you to cope with and adjust to, but it is 100x more complicated and distressing for HER to deal with. Remember that. And remember that this process is about her and not you.
If you have questions, it is okay to ask. There are some really fantastic people in the trans* and ally communities that are more than willing to help and to answer heartfelt questions. I am one of them, and I imagine several of the people I follow/who follow me would be willing to help answer questions, too. If you see someone lashing out against anons or other people on their blog, it is probably okay to assume they are not a safe place for you to go. So turn to someone else that seems more open and patient.
Also, some of the questions you have may already have answers available in some really great online resources. Spend some time with Google and read through resources developed by trans* and ally people/organizations. If you have trouble locating resources, let me know and I will link you to some good ones.
If you have more questions, I promise I won’t ever lash out at you. I will do my best to answer based on what I know. And I will do so calmly and patiently. If any of my followers would be willing to offer advice, could you respond to this post and let Anon know you are a good person to talk to?
<3
Sending you and your friend all the best.
